After Integration, then what? A therapist, other than my own, once asked me how things had changed upon integration. I simply said, “It’s just a lot quieter inside my head.” At first, I found myself seeking for the “others” inside and no one responded. This was just strange, and a little lonely. Yet, there was also a kind of peace and a sense of wholeness. Still, this was not the end of my healing.
Being Just Me
At first I kind of missed my alter egos. I have been multiple since I was two years old and hardly knew who I really was or how to interface with the world around me “alone.” One of the first things I noticed as I integrated was that memories held by my alter egos became my own. As previously mentioned, my core self became very frightened by my marriage challenges and I hid deeply below my stronger alter egos and resisted even being known. Shortly after my father passed, the core me began to become the presenting self.
I felt very disoriented with how much the world had changed and how old I looked. In time I got used to that. Then I realized that the core self did not have spontaneous memories of my husband or children. My last clear memories were a few months after my daughter was born. Two years later I had a son. I was finishing graduate school. At the time I just felt very busy without much time for reflection.
Regaining My Memories
A few years later when I came to the point of integration in therapy, it felt as if my memories had happened to someone else. Almost like I was in an emotional coma. It took some thought to “find” cognitive memories and the emotional memories felt unreal. As integration progressed, I gradually had direct access to my life memories. I personally obtained what had been previously experienced by my alter egos.
It required some time in therapy to process the very sad feelings that previously belonged to my alter egos. I believe that some such feelings had been buried in my subconscious while my conscious mind and alter egos managed years of my life. More than one of my alter egos were very good at “intellectual dissociation.” In other words, “we” could carry on as expected, while the conscious mind was distanced from painful emotions.
Actually, in my integration work I went through a time that was really emotionally painful. Yet, as I did so, my physical problems like migraines became less. I knew that I was healing. The whole process was not easy and took me longer than I expected. However I was determined to become ME and sought full integration (fusion).
My experience is better explained by a section in the research article referred to in my last blog post at http://did-research.org ( On the home page click on “treatment” and then click on “Integration.” The article is entitled, Cooperation, Integration, and Fusion). The following paragraph is in the section entitled, Post-Fusion Therapy and Integrative Work: “Only once an individual has fully processed all memories, and experiences no meaningful fragmentation can they be said to be fully integrated. This requires more than the fusion of discrete alters alone.”
Beyond Fusion of Alter Egos
From the outset, I had the impression from my therapist that when I integrated it would be a “sudden cure” and I would be done. To have to continue therapy work for some time afterward was not expected.
Yet I knew that I still had things that needed to be processed and my integrated self had its unique issues. Again, this article expresses my experience more aptly: “After an attempt at final fusion, it might take some time for the individual to become used to living as one integrated identity. Like everything else, learning a new way of viewing oneself and learning how to rely on responses other than dissociation take practice!” May I add another few exclaimations points!!!
This article continues: “Once all alters have joined together as one, the individual has to process having access to their full trauma narrative from an integrated, first-person perspective for the first time. They have to deal with the full range of associated emotions and cognitions, including grief over the opportunities lost due to trauma and the individual’s resulting dysfunction .”
Acknowledging, remembering, and owning what once belonged to my alter egos required therapy beyond the “mind-quieting” experience of no longer hearing the alter egos in my head. Now I had to learn how to be just me in my real present world. With time, and help, I was able to accomplish this. However, it was more difficult than I expected. I don’t think that my husband and family understood why I was not suddenly “all better.” I had to reforge relationships with my family in the present. I so appreciate that these researchers validated my experience.
Activities that Helped Me
First, the cognitive knowledge of my history became clear and I knew that it was mine. But, emotionally I felt that I was not as present as I wished I had been for so many years of my life. This made me feel very sad. I found it helpful to create family picture albumns for my children to solidify for me memories that we all shared. I also did a personal memory quilt from childhood dresses and tee-shirts I had collected. In time I felt more fully present in my present life.
More on Post Integration next time.