What are alter ego and how do they function. In the last blog I talked about “the self” from an academic as well as spiritual point of view. In the first blog I covered why the self fractures to create alter egos. In this blog I would like to just describe what alter egos are like from my internal personal perspective. I suspect that inspite of some similarities, each DID person has their own unique “self system.” This one was mine.
What Does DID Feel Like?
Until I found myself in therapy at the age of 45, I was not aware of my multiplicity. My self system of alter egos seemed to work quite well from the outside. I was a fighter and continued to perform as expected in spite of my anxiety or headaches or sometimes outright terror. I didn’t understand my internal struggles as a child and young adult. With effort, I performed professionally, acedemically, and personally such that no one would have known that I had DID. Before therapy, I became an RN, got a Ph.D., got married, was involved in church and community service, and raised two children into teenagerhood. I often remember comments from others that I was just “so shy” or “so quiet,” or that “sometimes I was a bit flakey.” Even these comments made me feel embarassed and “not good enough.”
After some months months of therapy, I was saying my prayers one night. I poured out my heart to God, wanting to find out what was wrong and that my thapist could help me to heal. It was the Spirit that spoke to my mind, “There is more than one of you.” Surprised, I told this to my therapist at my next appointment. He said, “Good, now we have something to work on.” The first alter ego came up and talked with him. That was really strange. I came to notice what it was like to “switch.” My therapist had helped others who were DID and was actually quite good at knowing what to do.
Once the DID was acknowledged, the alter egos made themelves known in rather rapid sucession. It took about a year for “everyone” except my core self to appear. Sometimes I felt like I was possessed with personalities that seemed to have minds of their own. I became aware of conflicting voices that “spoke” within my head. There was a lot going on inside that I had previously pushed into subconsciousness. I am sure that this subconscious conflict contributed to the chronic migraines, anxiety, and depression that increased from young adulthood.
Five plus Me
I had six “selves.” Each had a purpose and role to play. Each had personality traits and skills that allowed them to exist and perform in given environments. This worked quite well when I was younger. Looking back I could see what roles each played. The first split I called Anna. She had the ability to dissociate when afraid and still carry on intellectually. No wonder sometimes it was if I were outside myself watching her perform. Anna was like the “Great Oz” in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (F.L.Baum, 1913). She always hid behind this curtain and yet she held the controls for all that was going on around me/us. She was very hypervigilent and focused on performance and survival. She always “kept it together” inspite of being terrified. She was aware of all the parts, except the core me–or maybe she was so busy keeping everything together that she forgot about the core self she was protecting.
Then there was Dianna. She was created when I was four and had the explicit assignment to keep all parental figures happy, especially my mom. It was her job to dissociate from all of her needs and feelings, to please others, and to perform as expected. She could feel terrified or ill, but never let that interfer with doing what was expected. She existed at church, school, and at home. I called her the “perfect plastic” one. She just seemed so unreal. Although it took a few therapy sessions to get her to express herself, when she did, she seemed to overflow with anger–the most parentally forbidden feeling. At first that anger was quickly directed toward the self as guilt. My therapist once said that he hadn’t met anyone who would take on so much guilt not just for myself, but for anyone else who wanted to give it to me, or not. She was a scary alter ego because of so much anger toward the self which could make her dangerous. In time she “grew up” and mellowed.
Then there was Cynthia. Anna really didn’t want others to know about her. She split when I was eleven. She was the one who suffered personal abuse and disregard for body boundaries. She felt that she was irredeemably bad. She was very depressed and hidden for years, but matured into one of the most real of the alter egos. She was able to perform without being so scared. “What did it matter what others thought, anyway?” In fact, since mom felt that being playful was bad and “unlady like,” Cynthia became the playful one. She was also the least dissociated. She loved Beatle music and being silly. She never existed at home or church. She sometimes existed at school, when playing with the neighborhood kids, or with “our” sister. In came our during college years. She loved organized activities and go places. She had friends and could be quite social. She thought, “What would the people back home think about “shy little me” if they could see me now!
High school was quite a turbulant time in my family. I believe that is when Dianna split and created a self I called Jone. It scared “us” when Jone came up in therapy because no one seemed to know who she was, that is; not until my therapist talked with each self and Dianna said that she created Jone to listen for the “air raid” sirens and tell eveyone when to take cover.
In high school, another alter ego, I called Angel, was created. A series of events that brought up a lot of past trauma and made me feel like an “emotional orphan,” caused me to created a part to be me “angel mother” because I felt that I had none. She was a protector, but also was my greatest blessing. Since she didn’t carry the traumas of my childhood, she was able to break from false religious and social traditions and develop into the most healthy of all my selves. She took several years to develop, but she was a truth-seeker. Through simple experiences outside my traditional environments and its expectations, the seeds of a relationship with the real Christ were planted within her heart. In college she really “blossomed” and became strong in her relationship with the Savior and developed a more correct understanding of the Atonement. “We” came to depend on Angel and her faith and her ability to get answers to prayer. She was a strong self in my adulthood. For the most part, she was the one who was the wife and mother.
Will the Real Self Please Stand Up!
I was had been in therapy for a time. My mother passed away about two years after I discovered my DID, which she never accepted. My Dad tried to be supportive, until he decided that he didn’t believe that the traumas that created my DID ever really happened. Years later when my Dad passed away, I experienced the most strange DID experience yet. My therapist and I had been working toward integration without success for a long time. A few months after my dad’s passing, I had the most strange dissociative experiences.
I went on a trip with my siblings and it scared me how old they looked. Then I looked at myself in the mirror and scared myself because I looked as old as they did! Getting off the plane from the trip, I couldn’t remember where I had been. At home my husband looked like a stranger and “who were these young adults calling me mother?” It was a turbulent time and my first real extended experience with DID amnesia. I was able to access the voices of other alters in my mind and “they” would tell me that “this is your husband and/or “there are you children.” When the children would call for motherly advise, I had to ask Angel, “what do I say, how do I answer this” This core me needed some tutoring about how to be a mom. I got better over time, I believe. This went on for about five years, until I integrated and absorbed the emotional memories of my alter egos.
Fortunately when I was dealing with this amnesia, my daughter was away at college and my son was soon be called on a mission for our Church. I tried really hard to act normal, but once my daughter was at home and we all went out to dinner. My son said to his sister, “Mom’s been acting kind of strange lately.” They had no idea how strange it was on the inside!
The other parts refused to take over any more. They would talk to me in my head, but refused to switch. This core me who had retreated behind the other selves as life got more complex, did not want to be the presenting self. It felt a bit like mutiny, but the other selves had worked through their stuff and were healthier than I was. It was now my turn to face who I really was and what I had really been through. This was a hard time, but my children were no longer at home. Shortly after my son left, a couple of brain aneurysms were discovered on an MRI and I had to take three months off my part-time job to have brain surgery. I believe that Heaven watches over me and even brain surgery was a needed blessing. Coincidence? I think not. Before surgery, any “strange” behavior or anxious forgetefulness was attributed to stress about surgery. After the surgery, my subconscious brain was very active between pain pills. Strange dreams of memeories coming together and puzzle pieces falling into place. I so needed this time just to be alone and to come to myself. This core self had issues to consider and faith to gain. Listening to the voices of the other parts and the Spirit of the Lord in my heart as helpeful for both physical and psychological healing.