As I contemplate publishing a book about my experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I consider the vulnerability I feel about sharing my story.
First, I must apologize for not posting the last couple of months. My husband and I returned home in September from serving a mission for our church. After getting settled back into our home that was rented, I have become occupied with the revision of the manuscript for a book about my story that I started before we left. I am nearing completion and will seek to publish it in the next few months or so. The last section of my book is about the vulnerability that I feel in sharing my story publically. There are some interesting things I discovered that I would like to share in this blog.
Why Do I Feel Vulnerable About Sharing My Story?
In social settings, most people try to appear happy and in control of their lives. With the advent of social media, the parade of perfect stories and happy pictures is constant. Not that I don’t enjoy good news from my friends, but I wonder if this could accentuate the feeling of isolation in those who are neither happy nor perfect. In a world where psychological difficulties are more common than ever before, young people especially may sense that their hidden struggles isolate them from society. Isolated youngsters can become overwhelmed and dangerously depressed. Although it is a vulnerable thing to do, perhaps the sharing of our real imperfect stories is more important than ever before.
The dictionary defines the word “vulnerable” as “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt physically or emotionally.” Random House Webster’s College Dictionary,2001. Does sharing my own imperfect story makes me feel vulnerable? First, the rejection of the core self by my parents was such a difficult reality for me to accept. I recollect how, as a child, I felt ashamed when I didn’t “measure up” to authority figures. When my parents refused to believe my DID, the rejection was complete. Their inability to accept the core me hurt deeply. The idealistic “all better” that my father wanted of me when he acknowledged the core Cherie for a few months after my mom passed was not realistic. Occasionally I still seek psychological safety by hiding or dissociating when confronted by anger, criticism, or lack of acceptance.
My DID is evidence that I suffered significant confusion and shame as a young child. For me, without the comfort of the Savior’s Love, the shame of the world would be unbearable. Shame is an interesting emotion. There is nothing positive about it. In fact, it has the lowest energy frequency of any emotion (David Hawkins, The Map of Consciousness Explained, 2020). God may allow temporary guilt to bring us to repentance, but He never uses shame. I believe that shame is Satanic and that it can only be overcome by God’s love. Parents, teachers, and religious leaders may use shame to control behavior because it works. People are sensitive to it. But it is a dark way to control the agency of man.
Human love may have varying degrees of trustworthiness, but the love of God or charity never fails in relationship with self or with others. The dictionary defines shame as “disgrace” and disgrace is defined as “the loss of respect, honor, or esteem” (Random House Webster’s College Dictionary,2001). I believe that the Jesus showed respect, honor, and esteem to others during His earthy ministry and now He sends His love to all of God’s children who have faith in Him.
Shame Can Become a Lifetime Battle for the Self
For those who have internalized shame, it can create a lifetime battle for the self. Shame does not allow us to love ourselves or others. I would like to share the work of a couple of authors who have studied shame in the context of human development and how to achieve “wholehearted” living. Both authors wrote books that became number one New York Times bestsellers. This indicates to me that shame is an important topic for humanity in general.
John Bradshaw (1988) was one of the first authors to write about shame in his book Healing the Shame that Binds You. He states that guilt says that I made a mistake, but I can change or fix this. Shame, on the other hand says that the whole self is defective. This is toxic shame. Toxic shame is a very negative emotion and can cause one to be shame-bound. He also mentions “the demonic potential of shame” (p.21). To be shamed-bound means that when one feels any need, feeling, or drive, they feel ashamed.
Internalizing toxic shame can happen when a child is abandoned by her attachment figure. Internalization of shame also happens when a child identifies with a shame-based attachment figure. When shame is internalized, one feels that they are not okay. They feel exposed, diminished, and paralyzed. Bradshaw goes on to talk about how the authentic self can go into hiding, which produces a profound sadness, and eventually a sense of the self that is unreal. He also believes that “internalized shame is the essence of codependency” (p.35). I feel that these precepts are clearly expressed in my story.
The Neuroscience of Shame
In a more contemporary internet article regarding the neuroscience of shame, Shirley Davis states that,
“When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response. The flight response triggers the feeling of needing to disappear, and children who have this response will try to become invisible.” http://cptsd.org/2019/04/11/the-nueroscience-of-shame#respond
I spent significant time as a child in trying to become invisible. Even now anger and criticism can make me want to freeze and hide. This was second nature to me for so long. The core me spent a good part of “our” life in emotional hiding and disconnecting. I am so grateful for my DID that created a self-system of alter egos that kept me safe, even in hiding, until I had the strength and help to be found and to live in present life. It took time, but now I have integrated with those alter egos and become “Just Me.” Even though I can be a bit fragile at times, it is much quieter in my head and heart now that I am no longer multiple.
Conquering Shame With “Wholehearted Living”
The other author that I would recommend is Berné Brown and her research on shame. Her books include The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (2010) and Rising Strong: How The Ability to Reset Transforms The Way We Live, Parent, and Lead (2015) Relying upon years of studying shame and fear, she focuses on ways to achieve “Wholehearted living,” which is defined as the process of living from a place of worthiness. This is done by fostering courage, connection, and compassion, such that we can face each day believing that we are enough. We need to not trade our authenticity for approval and to have the courage to be vulnerable and honest. We should listen to others with compassion when they share their vulnerabilities and to have the courage to share your own. This forges connection She defines connection as what is felt when both feel heard, seen, and valued; when they can withhold judgement as they give and receive, thus gaining strength from the relationship (Brown, 2010).
She states that, “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do (Brown, 2015).” This courage requires us to let go of what other people think. This has been a real challenge for me because of being raised to be so afraid of the judgement of others, especially when someone in authority is displeased. Sharing my story does take courage, but I also feel that sharing my truth honestly and being vulnerable is a way for me to obtain greater courage, connection, and compassion.
Do You Want The Power to Write Our Own Story?
Berné Brown (2015) also states that, “The only decision we get to make is what role we’ll play in our own lives: Do we want to write the story or do we want to hand that power over to someone else? Choosing to write our own story means getting uncomfortable; it’s choosing courage over comfort.
One of the truisms of wholehearted living is You either walk into your story and your own truth, or you live outside your story, hustling for your own worthiness.
. . . physical and emotional intolerance for discomfort is the primary reason we linger on the outskirts of our story, never truly facing them or integrating them into our lives. We disengage to self-protect. . . . rising strong reckoning has two deceptively simple parts: (1) engaging with our feelings, and (2) getting curious about the story behind the feelings––what emotions we’re experiencing and how they are connected to our thoughts and behaviors”(p.45-46)
Writing My Own Story
It has taken a lot of courage for me to own and to put my story into writing. The whole therapy journey has been an effort to find the truth of my life experience. I have had to accept and understand the story of each alter ego and, upon integration, accept their story as my own. My quest for truth has been my motivation to continue when it was hard and scary. To share my story takes courage to another level. My sister’s childhood was also difficult, but different from my own. It helps me to know that she understands and has also worked hard to have the courage to accept her own story. I am grateful that both of us can safely be vulnerable with each other. We also recognize that it is our relationship with Jesus Christ and having many experiences with His infinite Love that has forged a life courage within each of us.