Faith and prayer was foundational in my discovery and healing from DID. Trusting the Savior’s love, His atonement, and guidance was essential. Carrying the internal burden of childhood trauma brought much difficulty to my life’s journey. I could not understand why I always felt so afraid. Fear dominated my life from as early as I can remember. I thought perhaps everyone felt like this. However, as I attended church and school, I knew that I was different. I was a very quiet, inhibited child. Nonetheless, when I had to perform for adult approval, I learned to please in spite of being terrified. Here was a blessing of being DID. In time, a couple of my alter egos developed the ability to disconnect my mind and from what my body and heart was feeling. I learned not to look terrified.
Plusses and Minuses
In my study of DID, I learned that it was common for those with DID to be blessed with a higher than average IQ. Suceeding in school was something that I got better at with time. In fact I was an R.N. at the age of 19 and continued to succeed academically until I obtained a PhD in Family and Human Development.
I was bless to have some environments where I felt accepted for just being me. We had a great neighborhood and, as I got older, school wasn’t so bad. I never really had a peer group, but I did have a few friends.
My body hurts
As a young adult I was often terrified with required tasks. However, I learned to mentally function in terror so well that often no one knew how scared I was. As adult life became more complicated, my body began to express this fear with increasingly frequent and severe migraines. Needing to please, I performed even with a severe migraine and covered it up, praying for the strength to get through the performance. Finally I was able to seek the solitude of a dark bedroom, praying for help to relax enough that I could sleep it off. Those were hard times. I was so thankful when the medication Imatrex appeared on the market. Then I finally had a means to know that the pain would have an end. At first it was only by self injection and that required about an hour of being non-functional. At last it came in pill form. Even though the migraines would be frequent, I would continue on as normally as I could for the couple of hours that it took to work.
Trusting a Higher Power
Then I found myself in therapy. Discovering, accepting, and working through my DID as a adult was itself a daunting task. My children were now teenagers. Therapy initiated awareness that I was not “normal” and that my childhood was difficult. Still my therapist had a hard time knowing what to do with my level of fear.
Then one day I was praying to God in desperation to be know how to cope with the powerful feelings that therapy was bringing up. In personal revelation to me I heard the words, “There’s more than one of you.” What?!? I said. You mean that I have Multiple Personalities?! How could I be so abnormal? And so it was true. I share this personal revelation with my therapist who was glad to have direction and indeed my alter egos started showing up. That was an experience out of a Sci-Fi movie!!
It took a lot of courage to accept that I was DID–to learn that I had been so traumatized as a child so as to have psychologically split. The journey was difficult and long. I began to understand why I was always so scared. Gradually I learn to accept and overcome the psychological trauma. I prayed often and frequently felt the Savior’s arms around me. I knew that He knew and that I could rely on a strength beyond my own when the mental or emotional pain was unbearable.
The Merits of the Atonement
Ultimately it was relying on the merits of the atonement of Jesus Christ that helped me heal. I had to accept hard truth. I had to forgive others. I gained a greater knoweldge and trust in the power of the atonement. I came to know that it could help me let go of pain, confusion, guilt, grief, and anger.
Visualizations in therapy helped me to come to the Savior and believe His love and forgiveness. I had to overcome the fear I had of a God that was only concerned with performance. I learn that the true God, the Creator and Redeemer, had power to love and help me regardless of how broken I was and how I was not able to perform. I visualized my alter egos, and finally my core self, feeling worthy of the Savior’s love and finding peace in His embrace.
After many years my therapist suggested the following visualization. My integrated core self gathered up all of the hurt, pain, unfairness, fear, grief, etc. and wrapped them up in a box. I took this box and laid it on the alter. I sat and waited. Then the Savior came and took this box–this burden. He looked at me with eyes of love, understanding, and forgiveness. I felt that he shared my pain and then took it with Him. I experienced a love, a freedom that continued with me.
Continuing in Faith
I continue to pray for strength when I feel scared. I feel so much more real now. I want to live from my heart, not just my mind. My sense of self and of the Savior’s love is constantly growing. I try to serve him and help others. Sometimes my fear is triggered, but not nearly like before. Migraines are infrequent. I have coping mechanisms and relying on my Higher Power is at the center. I know the Savior lives and loves and gives us direction and strength. May I close with a scripture that is close to my heart.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)