Most people who suffer from DID experienced abuse or trauma as a young child while in the care of someone they were supposed to trust. If this is you, remember that you were innocent, even if guilt and fear was used to keep you quiet. When the abuse comes from a parent who is supposed to be older, wiser, and concerned about your welfare, the child feels hurt, betrayal, confusion, and helplessness. The psychic split was how the mind was able to cope. Children who suffer outright sexual or SRA abuse may be exposed to very frightening consequences if they tell. The anger that you feel about this betrayal may be be directed to the self because you were made to feel guilty in order to be controlled. In this blog I want to emphasize your innocence for what was done to you as a child.
A Survival Story
Having to deal with abuse as a young child becomes a survival story. Becoming DID was how you survived, but one day these traumas and betrayals may be discovered as you confront your DID and seek to heal. It was my experience that once I started dealing with my “stuff” in therapy, the DID and traumas flowed out as if they had a will of their own. My parents didn’t believe that I was old enough to be affected by the trauma created by my mother’s sugery, hospitalization, weeks of bedrest, witnessing her miscarriage, and the angry arguing of my parents thereafter. My father, believing that I was too young to have feelings, was quick to spank me for being afraid to go to bed. In my need this all felt abusive and terrifying.
Decades later when in an alpha-theta state with my therapist, the trauma of blood, death, mom’s terror, and loud angry voices came to my consciousness. It was accompanied by feelings that it was my fault for not caring for Mom better as mentioned in an earlier blog. I was only two years old then. When it welled up from my subconscious, it was powerful and the pictures in my mind were without words to describe them.
Although I know that other DID people have suffered worse, what I experienced was real and sufficient for my psyche to split. What came up from inside and the appearance of another personality was evidence enough. Part of my DID survival story has already been described in an earlier blogs.
You Have Been Rescued
In this blog it is my desire to express the literal power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help survivors of abuse. Even in the midst of the swirling confusion of learning about the different alter egos and the traumas that created them, I came to know that there is power to redeem and to rescue abused children who as adults have to confront the traumas and abuses of their past.
In Gethsemane and on the cross Christ took upon Himself the suffering of the innocent, as well as the sins of the repentant. He overcame the abuses of this world. He has given you power not just to survive, but in time to overcome and even conquer through faith in Him.
One day you will rise above the pain, anguish, and misery and have that replaced with peace through the Savior. In His merciful suffering, He became victorious over depravity and darkness. This is a life-giving truth for those wronged by others. He descended below all things, even the terror, shame, abandonment, and pain that required your young mind to split. He understands and wants you to seek His healing power.
The Atonement and Healing
When I was working on integration, after many years of therapy, I had an opportunity to make a trip to the Holy Land. The tour group was viewing the cisterns that were below Kiaphas’ house which was likey where Jesus was kept between the trials on the night before His crucifixion. I wanted to be alone. I stepped over as the group went by and sat alone by one of these cells. I prayed to God telling Him how sad I was for what Jesus went through. All of a sudden it was as if a voice distinctly said to me, “Don’t be sad for Me. I am sad for you and for those things that keep you from completely accepting My Gift.” I then felt an incredible love envelop me and I knew that through the Savior, I could overcome the DID and become the self I really was. I could be defined by my eternally existing identity as a daughter of God. I felt My Creator’s infinite love and desire for me to be whole and complete healing.
Prayer was a big part of my recovery. I believe that I was led to a therapist who was familiar with DID, and that the steps of recovery often came from a power beyond myself and my therapist. As recovery continued, I felt a greater sense of the Savior’s love for me individually. I felt His compassion and His Healing. I was eventually able to forgive and be who I was meant to be.