Today is Easter. As I watch the Earth come alive with greenery, flowers, and sunshine once again, I remember the One Who figuratively “raised me from the dead” as the core alter ego. For many years I existed only in limited safe places. Otherwise I was just watching what my alter egos were doing. Sometimes I co-existed, and sometimes I was so frightened that I sunk into some sort of emotional coma, and lost conscious memory of certain episodes of my life.
Fallout from early childhood misconcepitons and abuse can last a lifetime, leaving so much sorrow in its wake. God knew that many little children would have to deal with situations where parents, intentionally or unintentionally, created trauma, confusion, and feelings of fearful abdandonment in their children.
Learning how Much the REAL Jesus loves little children
As a child what I learned about Jesus made me feel scared and guilty. I did start to pray when I was about 4 years old. My father came into my room one night and told me that I could pray to help me not be afraid at night. I don’t know if my memory serves me right, but that was the first time I realized that I could pray before going to bed to help me through the night. In my innocence I even prayed to have abusive dreams because such dreams seemed to distract me from my fear of being alone in the dark, and helped me to get to sleep. Looking back at that distorted childhood innocence about prayer makes me feel very sad. However, I continued to pray every night because I felt that I finally had somewhere to turn when I was afraid. It wasn’t until my late teens that my last and strongest alter ego learned that Jesus was someone that I should have a relationship with and that He loved me.
However, when this core self came up in therapy, my visualizations found me afraid to come closer to Him, to meet His gaze, or to accept a hug–even with my other alter egos. I did not feel worthy to look at Him, and certainly felt that I didn’t deserve a hug. With prompting from my therapist, all of my parts, including the core, found the courage to approach Jesus, look into His eyes, feel His love, and let Him hug me. This took more than one session. This was an amazing experience for me.
My testimony of the reality of the Savior and His very personal Love for me has grown alot, even as this core self integrated and became the presenting self. Still there are times when I have to remind my ‘little child within” that I was always worthy of His love and that He watched over me, even in those dark nights. In reality he did answer my childhood prayers in a loving way, but I just couldn’t feel it. The picture below is on my wall to remind me that He was always there for that little me and was loving and watching over me, even if circumstances didn’t allow me to feel it.
Now as an integrated adult who has an understanding of the pain, the fear, and the anxiety of my little self, I am able to love my “child within” and feel my Savior’s love in such a real way. I know that Jesus wants us to forgive. Sometimes during my efforts to heal in therapy I would want to just “forgive and forget.” However, I learned that I really can’t foreclose forgiveness. I had to first realize the abuse and lack of emotional security that I experienced was real. I had to acknowledge the feelings of that little child and what really happened from her perspective. That hurt! It took patience and time. A book that helped me to go through the pain of aknowledging my truth was Feeling Buried Alive Never Die (Karol Truman, 1995). I was also motivated by a strange personal experience early in my therapy.
The Voice of My Core Child Self
On night, early in my therapy experience, my current presenting adult self was typically trying to continue to meet everyone elses’ needs while ignoring my own. However, now I was in therapy dealing with disturbing memories that drained my emotional energy. I felt particularly inadequate, unloved, and in overwhelmming stress from things I didn’t undertand and that my family didn’t like. I was supposed to be strong and take care of everyone else, but I just could no longer meet everyones’ expectations.
After my family was in bed, I started to pay attention to the voices in my own head. There was a young voice telling me, “You can never be good enough for others to truly accept you. No one really wants YOU. What would it matter if a “nobody” slipped out of exsistance? Then you will no longer disappoint others or make them mad or frustrated.” This was dangerous thinking. Another voice said, “Just go downstairs and try to relax.” I went into the basement and had this unstoppable urge to just beat my fist on the floor as I screamed over and over, “If you want me to exist, you have to let me FEEL!!”
After that I felt exhausted and leaned my head against a large desk next to me. I looked at my arms and felt this extreme urge to hurt myself. A more rational voice in my head said, “That would be stupid. Then others will know that there is something really wrong with you.” So instead of cutting, I beat my arms against the door frame until I created enought pain to satisfy something. I could wear long sleeves until the the bruises healed and no one would ever know that I had such thoughts. I sensed a recollection of strange moments when I was younger and felt self-abusive. Such strong feelings coming from within convinced the adult selves that we needed to continue with therapy and that this core “child within” had get out what she really felt and had held in for so many years. Different alter egos also took on parts of the trauma, handling them in different ways.
Once I was able to give my alter egos and my child within a voice, I could then acknowlege and deal with the things I felt. Feelings buried deep in my heart had to come to consciousness. This allowed me to love myself and to understand others. Then I was on the road to being able to forgive. Knowing that Jesus loved and forgave me, made it possible for me to work toward forgiving others. Thus, through the Light of the Son I found healing for myself and forgiveness for others.
I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me individually. He is in the details of my life and I can trust Him. Sometimes I have to remind my “child within” about this when I get triggered or find myself dissociating. But I have a Friend that is real and that I can always trust. Below is a video of a child singing “Consider the Lillies of the Field.” Pay attention to the last verse that expresses that Christ’s atonement (that we celebrate today) has the power to help and heal children who suffer–even if that child is within has an adult body. For this I am so grateful. May you know His Love and Healing.