In this post I will describe some of the challenges I have faced as an integrated self. I will present some ways that I cope with being “just me” in the present. The post integration period for me was not a sudden “everything was all better.” Certainly, I was A LOT better when I had integrated the thoughts and needs of my alter egos. I felt the strength from what each part had worked on and resolved. We all learned to “be on the same team” before becoming one. My physical health improved. However, when I had to deal with major challenges in my present life as my integrated self, I did met some challenges and it still took some work. May I restate a quote from the research article used in my previous blogs:
“After an attempt at final fusion, it might take some time for the individual to become used to living as one integrated identity. Like everything else, learning a new way of viewing oneself and learning how to rely on responses other than dissociation takes practice.” Cooperation, Integration, and Fusion (http://did-research.org).
Early Post Integration Experiences
It had been a few years after integration when I faced a an especially stressful situation at work. Some people in authority were requiring more of me than I had time to do and responding in hurtful, critical ways. Fear of “not being good enough” no matter how hard I tried, and my sensitivity to social criticism began to accumulate and trigger trauma scripts. Soon I felt that a former strong alter ego began to “show up.” I told my therapist that I thought I had “dis-integrated.” He was able to call up and talk to this alter ego who simply said, ” She is in trouble, it’s not fair, and I have to protect her.” As my life situation changed and settled, this alter ego went quiet again. I haven’t felt the presence of an alter ego for years now, even in stressful situations.
Coping with Dissociation when Stressed
One thing that I still struggle with at times is my mind going into varying degrees of dissociation. This happens when I find myself in an ongoing stressful situations. Grounding techniques help. Meditation helps. Yoga helps. Trying to find other ways to deal with the stress helps. When I become aware of my own personal safety issues and cope with those, the dissociation subsides. Often this requires that I step back, see my needs, and set appropriate boundaries. Although dissociation is a mental “go to” for me when I feel overwhelmmed, it is now more situational and not ongoing.
Another thing that has helped is for me to be aware of triggers. When my present experience touches upon issues related to the original trauma that first created my DID when I was very young, I find myself starting to feel a bit panicky. This is especially true when I allow everyday stresses to build up. On rare occasions, I have regressed into a panic attack. I recall times in therapy when panic attacks were a regular occurance. Truly, life is much better now. I feel much more personal understanding and control over my emotional life since doing the work and integrating.
Healing the Child Within
One approach that has been helpful to me is working with the wounded child within. Child within work helps people in general who have had any sort of childhood issues. It is not just for those with DID. Pioneering this approach was John Bradshaw in his book, Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, 1990.
When I was working in therapy with my alter egos, they generally came up as I became aware of severe trauma during a certain time in my childhood/teenage years. Once identified, that alter ego faced reality and learned to reframe it. Often the alter ego seemed to gradually “grow up” from the age at which the trauma occurred. I’m not sure if this is true for others with DID, but I did feel that the peronality parts gradually became more wise and adult before they integrated. Sometimes the adult alter egos did “child within” work when they were more adult in their understanding and their wounded child still had things to resolve.
Since integration and as I have learned to live as one integrated identity, I have found that my integrated self has a unique view of the past. Sometimes a profound sadness will well up inside me. This is often in response to present day occurrences that are seen through the eyes of the “core self” as a child or even as a younger adult. I know it belongs to me—and not to another part. The alter egos had done “child within” work before. But this “child within” is like an integrated form of the child that was genuinely just me.
Ways to Help the Child Within
These occasions are not so frequent anymore. However, following are some things that help me when my “child within” becomes very sad or scared. I take a pillow wrapped in a blanket as if it were “my child within.” I hold her, rock her, and talk to her. I try to help her/me understand the trigger and my present adult self tries to help her reframe the feeling with present truth and safety.
An internet site www.mindful.org has a helpful article titled, Healing the Child Within by Thich Hanh. I could only get access to this article the first time I searched this site for “child within work.” Later I found that I had to register for free to get the full article and access some other things on the website. Another thing that has helped is doing child within (mindfulness) meditations that I find on the internet (Youtube.com).
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping scripts are also sometimes helpful. This was particularly true if I am dealing with anxiety, or a PTSD trigger I didn’t expect. This technique has you tap with your fingers on acupressure points while gradually reframing negative emotions and scripts. There is a research article on EFT that can be found at www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326434. If you are serious a about using this, www.thetappingsolution.com has some information and apps.
Journaling
I still find that journaling is very helpful. Journaling was how I did a lot of the DID healing. It helps my subconscious feelings and memories become more available.
Now I use journaling when I am feeling stressed, whether or not I am aware of what triggered the stress. First, I sit at my computer and just start typing. Sometimes things will come out as I am able to express myself. Then I can seek for an appropriate solution. I describe how I am feeling or the event that upset me. I let myself freely write as I describe how I feel. Along with this I often will talk about how present life is being impacted. Often I can identify the source and what I need to do to feel safe. For me, it is anxiety that is triggered and if I do something about it when my body starts “talking” to me in physical symptoms, it doesn’t accumulate and overwhelm me. Then I can seek for how to constructively deal with situation.
Prayer
And of course, as a Christian, I always use the power of prayer and the study of scripture. Here is where I get my greatest insights. Life is the test and I believe that there is a Power greater than myself that cares about me, wants to help me, and can give me insights I haven’t thought of.