My becoming whole in the light and warmth of the Son began with a very negative and frightening view of God. Demands for perfectionism at home and at church made it difficult for me to feel safe.
A Childhood of Perfectionism
I was raised in a Christian home where keeping the commandments, going to church, and being the “most faithful family” in the congregation was expected. Bad behavior was quickly punished mostly by Mom’s love withdrawal or Dad’s loud scary voice. “Bad behavior” went beyond breaking a Christian commandment to include disappointing Mom’s expectations of what she wanted me to be and how she expected me to behave in all areas of my life. I felt that my parents were God’s representatives. Such pressure of perfection and compliance with parental expectation played an important role in my DID splits and how my alter egos were created and organized.
My childhood view of God was of Someone who was judgemental, frightening, and abandoning. Although I felt compelled to be outwardly perfect, inside I knew that I was not. It was impossible to feel the love of God when I felt so imperfect and unworthy inside. My early Sunday School lessons about the Savior only made me feel guilty that His suffering was my fault. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Pictures of Jesus brought feeling of guilt more than of love. Something was not right here. Yet, I know Christians of many faiths that also feel this way and are stuck within this “gospel of perfectionism.”
Learning the Truth about Guilt
As an adult I realized that my “perfect family” was missing a very important spiritual understanding of Diety. I was not taught who Jesus really was and that repentence was actually a blessing that was made possible by His suffering. His sacrifice was out of love, not to make us feel guilty. I have since learned that the only righteous purpose for guilt is to bring us to repentance before God. The guilt that I take on for not pleasing other people has become a tool of the adversary in my life. Early in therapy my therapist commented that he had never seen anyone take upon one’s self so much guilt that didn’t belong to them. I am better now about not taking on guilt that doesn’t belong to me, but at times it is still a struggle.
The perfectionism that made me so afriad of making mistakes and not pleasing others caused my mind to become hopelessly hypervigilent. Some alter egos shared this hyperviigilence, others shunned it, and one carried a lot of anger about it that could not be expressed. When I was a young child, if someone was impatient or displeased with me, I felt so much guilt and shame that all I could do was sit quietly and freeze. I could not even function for a time until I “got over it.” As I got older sometimes I could “freeze” inside while intellectually functioning. I would later learn that this was the because I could switch to an alter ego who could be function intellectually while dissociating emotionally. As an older teen, I also created a final alter ego did not carry the childhood traumas. She was the one who was able to gain a testimony of the real Savior and His love.
Overall, it was hard for me to be a “normal child.” I was very shy, anxious, and I rarely talked to anyone who didn’t talk to me first. I was very compliant and thus was well-liked by adults more than by peers. However, I had one place where I felt acceptance and could be me—when playing with friends in my neighborhood of diverse races and religions. There differences and mistakes were Okay.
Leaving Home, Finding God
Somewhere inside I wanted to know the truth about God and religion. I was not sure that my childhood teachings were correct, but was never allowed to say so. After I left home, I began to learn new ways of looking at things from friends and university professors. A part of me (my last alter ego), became more comfortable with religion. A particular professor spoke frequently of the Savior’s love and forgiveness. This felt like such a new idea to me. I became able to discern a peace in my heart that felt real. I began to follow those feelings of peace and to believe that God may not be as condeming and scary as I had always felt He was.
As I grew into adulthood, I developed a more personal relationship with the Lord as I prayed, studied, and learned to discern and follow His peace in my heart. Still there are times when my mind loses peace and defaults to fear. However, I know that there is Someone cares, loves, and accepts me, and who is always within reach of my heart.
Becoming a Different Person
Away from home, I became cuirously social and activity oriented. I had a number of friends at the university. I enjoyed meeting people and planning activities with them. That was not at all like the me of my childhood. I would muse to myself, “people back home would never believe this change in me.” After learning of my DID I realized that there was one alter ego who carried all the “bad.” She liked to be social and have fun, but could never exist at home because my mom taught that fun was somehow unrighteous. I didn’t know that I was multiple then when this fun, active alter ego often came out. I thought life was just getting better. Yet, I also had some strange episodes of isolation and self harm that never made sense….until therapy.
The Warmth of the Sun and Connection With the Creator
My spiritual alter ego became a stronger part of my self system during my young adult years. Still my body continued to have migraines that got worse and more frequent after I got married. Clinical depression became apparent as well. I sought medical help and found some relief. However it wasn’t until working through my DID traumas in therapy that the migraines became less severe and less frequent.
From my young adult years, I grew to trust the peace that I felt when I could be close to my Savior and trust His care. I felt His approval of my efforts. I reflected upon times as a child when I would sit in the sunspots that came through the windows of my home. Feeling the warmth and light of the sun on my child body filled me with peace and safety. I still will seek sunspots when I am feeling down or grieving. The warmth and light I felt in sunspots as a child was not unlike the peace and safety I have learned to feel from my Savior as an adult.
I remembered that, as a child, I always loved to be in nature, especially when the sun was shining. My happiest childhood memories are of being alone in my backyard. I would quietly watch the birds and butterflies. I would sit in the trees and smell the flowers. I felt real and I felt that I was one of the Creators creations. I recall my child mind sensing that as one of His creations I must be as beautiful and magical as the nature around me. I felt a sense of love and belonging when I was alone in nature–but not with people.
It wasn’t until therapy that I realized that the Creator of my childhood was really the Savior of my adulthood. I felt the Savior’s peace and love in the light of the sun, and that this is how he spoke to me as a child when I was too fractured and confused to know Him.