Learning about Myself by Listening to My Body. Sometimes the mind dissociates away present and/or past traumatic realities. However, the body holds onto the pain and confusion it has perceived and requires processing. Our body can “talk” to us by our listening to how it feels.
Migraines
I had my first migraine at girls camp when I was about 14 years old. I felt so ill that I went to the camp nurse who gave me something for the nausea and let me sleep. After a few hours I awoke and felt better. Thereafter having headaches became more common. They were typical of migraines, but I never sought medical care until my young adult years when they became comon enough interfer with everyday life.
As a teen, I was not consciously tuned into the significant PTSD I was dealing with until it was relunctanty brought up in therapy. The psychological stress had to be severe enough to cause my mind to create my last DID split or alter ego, whose mission it was to be a protective maternal figure. “She” also had the advantage of not carrying the childhood trauma of previous years. Nonetheless, my body was feeling the pain that my conscious mind did not want to deal with.
Teen Trauma
In my young teen years, I had considered suicide as the only escape from a perceived reality that I could not talk to anyone about. It was a logical, but false, perception that was very real to me. After the inescapable threat passed two years later, I felt dazed with the sudden change in mind set that my life had a future, and what I was going to do with it.
When at last I told with my parents about my two years of considering suicide and my traumatic misconception, I expected that they would have compassion and help me talk through it. Instead the whole situation was ignored. All that was said was an out of context, unexpected comment from my Dad, “Where do you get these crazy ideas?” So my psychie felt that parental figures were not safe, nor could I trust them with my fears and secrets of imperfection.
They were not the source of compassion that I had hoped for. In addition, their attention was diverted by issues concerning my mother’s unhappiness with my brother’s anger and lack of compliance with her wishes. My dad’s codependent need to “keep Mom happy” created a mileu of family contention and anger that frightened me more than I knew. At that time, I was not aware of the depth of my childhood fear of anger. But the increase in depression and physical ailments were evidence that my body knew and held the pain. In later life a number or chronic health problems, that had some scientific connection to stress, became manifest.
Unexplainable Physical Pain
Toward the end of therapy I found a book entitled, The Body Knows the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (2014). This book reviews cross-sectional and longitudinal studies, as well as case studies, of people who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. As the title reflects, his work shows that our bodies hold unresolved past trauma in a variety of ways that can unexplainable, chronic, and painful. I found this book to be a great resource.
In support of an earlier blog on Attachment, van der Kolk states that “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundimantal to meaningful and satisfying lives.” Our gut feelings signal what is safe. “If you have a comfortable connection with your inner sensations–if your can trust them to give you accurate information–you will feel in charge of your body, your feelings, and your self.”(pg.98)
“Supressing our inner cries for help does not stop our stress hormones.” This is why focusing on the connection between physical body sensation and emotion is helpful and healing. This is best done with the direction of a therapist.
When a strong emotion comes, when you are feeling stressed, take a moment to ask yourself, “Where am I feeling this in my body.” Tell your body you are listening and perhaps you will be able to get in touch with where this feeling comes from and work through it. I have found that Meditation and Mindfulness practices are very good for relaxing the mind and helping you get in touch with how your body is feeling and how to deal with it constructively.